just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
