Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
