This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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