I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
