Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
