i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
