I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
