God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
