My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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