I didn't shave. On purpose
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
