Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
its liver damage thursday
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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