chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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