I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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