she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
