i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
