I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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