you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
