woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
