I can text with my tongue
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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