i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
