drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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