On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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