i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
