dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Randomize
