i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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