I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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