I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
