omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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