i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
We're too hungover to prance.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
