I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
