What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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