So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
