ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
