just tell him i said nine months
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
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