9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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