Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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