i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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