It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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