as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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