I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
