Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
