i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Randomize
