My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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