and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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