I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
did i just pee glitter
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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