I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
