After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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