capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
