don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
