Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
