why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
