porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
