After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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